There’s quite a lot of talk about Conscious Parenting these days, and it’s a sign of Evolving Times that people even want to become more Aware and Conscious about parenting. I’m sure there are as many views on what Conscious Parenting is as there are books on the subject. As with any “advice,” we can only ever try on what fits for size, and in my experience, that usually means a whole lot of alterations…. Hemming, mending, patching and sometimes complete re-modeling! Sometimes it's “whatever works!”
I’m just gonna share an experience to say what I’ve got to share.
It was bedtime in our household and I detected a “ploy.” Many parents can relate to kids “trying it on” at bedtime in order to resist going to bed. I’m not going to discuss whether having a bedtime is “right” or “wrong” … I’m not really interested in that. In our household, at the moment, a bedtime is necessary for my daughter to have the wellbeing and care she needs for the life we are currently living. And that may change, only the Flow will know.
But back to the “ploy.” Dear Daughter and I were snuggling and saying goodnight, and there it emerges:
“Mum, my intuition’s telling me something… something a bit bad.”
I’m Aware that I usually respond with an inner EEEEK! Cos of course I don’t want my daughter to feel bad. I’d usually worry. This time, however, I catch myself in my Awareness. From experience, I know it’s probably a bedtime ploy, but of course, I will listen and determine if there is something really important she has to share with me. This is more important to me at this point, from my "Personal Values" point of view. If its something that we need to address, I can remind her later that she had plenty of time to chat to me BEFORE bedtime and remind myself to remind her well before bed the next night to share anything that’s on her mind.
“So what is it darling?”
“I don’t wanna tell you.”
(She often says that. My intuition tells me it’s a ploy).
“Oh,” I say. “That’s OK, you don’t have to. Your choice.”
A few moments of silence, and I’m tuning in, to myself, about What to say (How/What questions asked to Self get answers). This is me practicing Personal Responsibility; my Self always has the answers for me, so I can Trust that. It is the place to start, and then I can also tune into feeling her, which is using my empathy to feel behind her words.
I receive my answer … My tone is a little bit playful, cajoling: “I’m just wondering, you know, just in case, that MAYBE this is a little ‘ploy’ to get mummy to stay a little bit longer.”
She smiles.
I go on; “I mean, were ya just kinda layin’ there, figuring out “Hmmmm… what can I do to get mum’s attention? Oh! That’s how I get mum’s attention… I’ll say “intuition,” cos I know that is really important and so it must be real, so it will make her worry about me, and then she’ll think she's gotta help me fix it, and then she’ll stay with me.”
She giggles.
Too much of a stretch, do you think? Well, I gave up “therapists” a few years ago and started Observing and Thinking for myself. "Know Thyself," as the saying goes. The good, the bad and the ugly. Ok that just sounded like a good thing to say… there is no good or bad... ugly could be a useful description tho ;)
I Share it with her. “Yeah, that’s what mummy does. I let other people 'harvest' my energy."
At this point, I am becoming Aware, in Present Time, of an Opportunity for my own Healing, and I am Owning it; taking Personal Responsibility. (Hmmm ... What would be the usual response to a child do you think? I am exercising my Knowing that she is an Intelligent Being).
She laughs … “Harvesting energy?!” We use this term, for calling "a spade a spade"… watching Neighbours is good practice for that! (More on tellin’ it like it is in a minute).
I make a big joke out of it now, “Yeah! That’s what I do! And that’s the way I’ve taught people how to treat me… how’s THAT?!” She’s laughing even more.
“Hmmm lucky I have Awareness, and I know that now. And I can change it. I can let people know how I like to be treated. So now we know that was an “energy harvesting” tactic, what do you think you might do instead next time?”
“I could ask you to lie down with me some more.”
“You could!”
“Mum, could you lie down with me for a bit?”
“I could!”
Problem solved. Now… if this was getting beyond my personal boundaries… where I literally felt she was demanding TOO much of my attention (such as we’d already had a lot of time together) I’d have to look deeper into the issue. I don’t believe that children require an endless quantity of our attention; of course, it is DEFINITELY important, yet, JUST as important is our Presence with them; Quality is what Presence actually is. Which really, is our Presence with ourselves. When we are being who we REALLY are, children feel safe. They do not feel the need to manipulate to get the attention they need. What are they really asking for? They’re really asking for a role model, in my opinion. They want to see YOU being YOU… demonstrating “Conscious Human Living.” Which means being REAL, being angry when you’re angry, being happy when you’re happy, and most of all, by taking Personal Responsibility for ALL of it, which includes taking Responsibility for showing them “wrong way” when they are manipulating you and “right way” by giving them the tools on how to go about it!
Personal Responsibility does not mean blame. It just means Awareness, with a Decision to Action... to change our behaviour and do something that Serves us better. Growth.
Now, I realize I may have lost many a Conscious Parent with my use of a taboo word: “manipulation”. My job is to bring light to this darkness. Much I have come across says “children don’t manipulate” and I would suggest this is untrue. Children will manipulate when they are not getting their needs met. This is the “calling a spade a spade” part that I feel needs addressing. What I’m interested in is a WHOLE perspective, by Allowing manipulation to BE what it is. Manipulation. "Attention-seeking" is another term. Without it being “wrong.” If we accept it is a valid, then our acceptance of it transforms our resistance of it. Simple. A child has a need for attention as their needs are not being met. All behaviours are learned, and there are many reasons that a child may have learned to use this method to get what they need. One parent could be doing it to the other, or it could simply be their world-view based on what they see happening in the world. In all instances our Awareness of it IS the Opportunity to Transform it. 'Round 'ere we label things by how they make us feel: “yum” or “yuck” rather than “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong.” This is placing the importance back on what is important: Our Feelings. Because I absolutely Know; our Feelings are our Guide.
We need to stop pretending that all children are little angels and face reality: we all have light and dark within. We need to be the Guide-posts for them, serving them by pointing out ALL behaviours, and rather than making them “bad” or “wrong,” demonstrating and explaining why they do or don’t work, for us. For example, I can let my daughter know, that when she is using such tactics on me, it hurts my feelings. That I don’t feel it is respectful of my time and energy. And that I’d prefer she do .... [insert request] .... instead. Now, this discussion is only one part of a very important aspect in teaching; the real teaching is of me LIVING this Way myself.
If I am not honouring my Self, and accepting ALL the things that I am and do, I am teaching her that I believe I am “wrong” and she will also be focused on “right” and “wrong” (she gets enough at that in school; this part, our relationship, is her “unschooling”).
When I accept myself completely, knowing that there are NO mistakes, that every thing I am doing is based on the best I know at the time based on my own personal and unique experience, then I give that Gift to her too. And when I do this for myself, I automatically do it for others. Knowing I am ALWAYS doing the best I can with what I know and the resources I have, I know that others are too. By seeing my "shadow" and knowing when I might be either compromising myself by giving away too much of my self to others, or by knowing how I seek attention from others to fulfill a missing need in ME brings light to my darkness. I can heal and Transform. But first I have to have eyes to see; not pretending its not there, not pretending things don't hurt, and by being REAL about it. By giving myself this Care, this Self Love, I also have natural boundaries with others and know that is a Value that will be demonstrated to her also. And I’ve decided I can Trust that Truth, and in fact, it's all I’ve come to count upon.
And in case you missed it… this little “ploy” was her unconscious way (or maybe she secretly planned it ;) ) of instigating my own Healing. Because she brought to my Awareness, in the Present Moment, at the right time, the EXACT thing I needed to be Aware of… even if it was “manipulation” or by "atttention-seeking." Thank goodness for manipulation! Thank goodness for those that hurt/harm us! How else would we wake up?! And so, there was my opportunity, right then and there, to release it! Because I’ve recently decided I no longer want or need to be a “people pleaser.” It just doesn’t fit any more. Wrong size. I just wanna be ME. And I think thats a pretty good example for my daughter too.
Bless the "little" Teachers!
☼ ❥ ... ℒƠѵℯ Shriya
A Dragon's Tale; BLOG: http://adragonstale.weebly.com/
Image: "Mother and baby dragon" by Sarah L Crockett
I’m just gonna share an experience to say what I’ve got to share.
It was bedtime in our household and I detected a “ploy.” Many parents can relate to kids “trying it on” at bedtime in order to resist going to bed. I’m not going to discuss whether having a bedtime is “right” or “wrong” … I’m not really interested in that. In our household, at the moment, a bedtime is necessary for my daughter to have the wellbeing and care she needs for the life we are currently living. And that may change, only the Flow will know.
But back to the “ploy.” Dear Daughter and I were snuggling and saying goodnight, and there it emerges:
“Mum, my intuition’s telling me something… something a bit bad.”
I’m Aware that I usually respond with an inner EEEEK! Cos of course I don’t want my daughter to feel bad. I’d usually worry. This time, however, I catch myself in my Awareness. From experience, I know it’s probably a bedtime ploy, but of course, I will listen and determine if there is something really important she has to share with me. This is more important to me at this point, from my "Personal Values" point of view. If its something that we need to address, I can remind her later that she had plenty of time to chat to me BEFORE bedtime and remind myself to remind her well before bed the next night to share anything that’s on her mind.
“So what is it darling?”
“I don’t wanna tell you.”
(She often says that. My intuition tells me it’s a ploy).
“Oh,” I say. “That’s OK, you don’t have to. Your choice.”
A few moments of silence, and I’m tuning in, to myself, about What to say (How/What questions asked to Self get answers). This is me practicing Personal Responsibility; my Self always has the answers for me, so I can Trust that. It is the place to start, and then I can also tune into feeling her, which is using my empathy to feel behind her words.
I receive my answer … My tone is a little bit playful, cajoling: “I’m just wondering, you know, just in case, that MAYBE this is a little ‘ploy’ to get mummy to stay a little bit longer.”
She smiles.
I go on; “I mean, were ya just kinda layin’ there, figuring out “Hmmmm… what can I do to get mum’s attention? Oh! That’s how I get mum’s attention… I’ll say “intuition,” cos I know that is really important and so it must be real, so it will make her worry about me, and then she’ll think she's gotta help me fix it, and then she’ll stay with me.”
She giggles.
Too much of a stretch, do you think? Well, I gave up “therapists” a few years ago and started Observing and Thinking for myself. "Know Thyself," as the saying goes. The good, the bad and the ugly. Ok that just sounded like a good thing to say… there is no good or bad... ugly could be a useful description tho ;)
I Share it with her. “Yeah, that’s what mummy does. I let other people 'harvest' my energy."
At this point, I am becoming Aware, in Present Time, of an Opportunity for my own Healing, and I am Owning it; taking Personal Responsibility. (Hmmm ... What would be the usual response to a child do you think? I am exercising my Knowing that she is an Intelligent Being).
She laughs … “Harvesting energy?!” We use this term, for calling "a spade a spade"… watching Neighbours is good practice for that! (More on tellin’ it like it is in a minute).
I make a big joke out of it now, “Yeah! That’s what I do! And that’s the way I’ve taught people how to treat me… how’s THAT?!” She’s laughing even more.
“Hmmm lucky I have Awareness, and I know that now. And I can change it. I can let people know how I like to be treated. So now we know that was an “energy harvesting” tactic, what do you think you might do instead next time?”
“I could ask you to lie down with me some more.”
“You could!”
“Mum, could you lie down with me for a bit?”
“I could!”
Problem solved. Now… if this was getting beyond my personal boundaries… where I literally felt she was demanding TOO much of my attention (such as we’d already had a lot of time together) I’d have to look deeper into the issue. I don’t believe that children require an endless quantity of our attention; of course, it is DEFINITELY important, yet, JUST as important is our Presence with them; Quality is what Presence actually is. Which really, is our Presence with ourselves. When we are being who we REALLY are, children feel safe. They do not feel the need to manipulate to get the attention they need. What are they really asking for? They’re really asking for a role model, in my opinion. They want to see YOU being YOU… demonstrating “Conscious Human Living.” Which means being REAL, being angry when you’re angry, being happy when you’re happy, and most of all, by taking Personal Responsibility for ALL of it, which includes taking Responsibility for showing them “wrong way” when they are manipulating you and “right way” by giving them the tools on how to go about it!
Personal Responsibility does not mean blame. It just means Awareness, with a Decision to Action... to change our behaviour and do something that Serves us better. Growth.
Now, I realize I may have lost many a Conscious Parent with my use of a taboo word: “manipulation”. My job is to bring light to this darkness. Much I have come across says “children don’t manipulate” and I would suggest this is untrue. Children will manipulate when they are not getting their needs met. This is the “calling a spade a spade” part that I feel needs addressing. What I’m interested in is a WHOLE perspective, by Allowing manipulation to BE what it is. Manipulation. "Attention-seeking" is another term. Without it being “wrong.” If we accept it is a valid, then our acceptance of it transforms our resistance of it. Simple. A child has a need for attention as their needs are not being met. All behaviours are learned, and there are many reasons that a child may have learned to use this method to get what they need. One parent could be doing it to the other, or it could simply be their world-view based on what they see happening in the world. In all instances our Awareness of it IS the Opportunity to Transform it. 'Round 'ere we label things by how they make us feel: “yum” or “yuck” rather than “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong.” This is placing the importance back on what is important: Our Feelings. Because I absolutely Know; our Feelings are our Guide.
We need to stop pretending that all children are little angels and face reality: we all have light and dark within. We need to be the Guide-posts for them, serving them by pointing out ALL behaviours, and rather than making them “bad” or “wrong,” demonstrating and explaining why they do or don’t work, for us. For example, I can let my daughter know, that when she is using such tactics on me, it hurts my feelings. That I don’t feel it is respectful of my time and energy. And that I’d prefer she do .... [insert request] .... instead. Now, this discussion is only one part of a very important aspect in teaching; the real teaching is of me LIVING this Way myself.
If I am not honouring my Self, and accepting ALL the things that I am and do, I am teaching her that I believe I am “wrong” and she will also be focused on “right” and “wrong” (she gets enough at that in school; this part, our relationship, is her “unschooling”).
When I accept myself completely, knowing that there are NO mistakes, that every thing I am doing is based on the best I know at the time based on my own personal and unique experience, then I give that Gift to her too. And when I do this for myself, I automatically do it for others. Knowing I am ALWAYS doing the best I can with what I know and the resources I have, I know that others are too. By seeing my "shadow" and knowing when I might be either compromising myself by giving away too much of my self to others, or by knowing how I seek attention from others to fulfill a missing need in ME brings light to my darkness. I can heal and Transform. But first I have to have eyes to see; not pretending its not there, not pretending things don't hurt, and by being REAL about it. By giving myself this Care, this Self Love, I also have natural boundaries with others and know that is a Value that will be demonstrated to her also. And I’ve decided I can Trust that Truth, and in fact, it's all I’ve come to count upon.
And in case you missed it… this little “ploy” was her unconscious way (or maybe she secretly planned it ;) ) of instigating my own Healing. Because she brought to my Awareness, in the Present Moment, at the right time, the EXACT thing I needed to be Aware of… even if it was “manipulation” or by "atttention-seeking." Thank goodness for manipulation! Thank goodness for those that hurt/harm us! How else would we wake up?! And so, there was my opportunity, right then and there, to release it! Because I’ve recently decided I no longer want or need to be a “people pleaser.” It just doesn’t fit any more. Wrong size. I just wanna be ME. And I think thats a pretty good example for my daughter too.
Bless the "little" Teachers!
☼ ❥ ... ℒƠѵℯ Shriya
A Dragon's Tale; BLOG: http://adragonstale.weebly.com/
Image: "Mother and baby dragon" by Sarah L Crockett
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