I picked a card: "Embrace the Darkness."
Drawing this card after I’d just taken my first drink, I laughed to myself and thought “Fuck, yeah that’d be right!” I’ve spent a lot of time avoiding the darkness. Well, not exactly… I’ve been being POUNDED by it, so I had no choice to see, experience and feel it….. yet did not know a way out. I’d found my way to this ceremony because I really wanted through this. No… I really wanted OUT. I was tired and weary and could not ‘fight’ anymore. I was fighting for myself, for my very basic rights, and it wasn’t working. I knew I needed to surrender, but didn’t know how to in the face of so much fear. Although I’d begun, I kept getting triggered by the very things I wanted to escape from. I knew that darkness had its place, but knowing and Knowing are two different things entirely. And I knew I needed to Know.
It took a while for the drink to settle in. I thought I could control it and was ruminating on my fear of throwing up. So what did I do – I threw up. I absolutely HATE throwing up (I know I know… who loves it?). When I finally surrendered to the fact I had to, I did so with the Awareness that I was in fact releasing all that did not serve me in that moment and I had made a conscious intention to do just that.
The first “purge” as its known didn’t reveal anything startling (other than looking at what was in the toilet and thinking I’m so glad to be getting rid of all that shit – other people’s shit as I perceived it) but as the effects of the plant took me deeper, I felt myself spiraling down into an awful state where I just didn’t want to be. I felt like I was going around in circles – yet it really was a downward spiral; I was Aware, I was ever-present as the Observer, that I kept coming back to the same point again and again. The same pattern.
Things started to become more lucid, more psychedelic even. Ayahuasca contains only 2 percent DMT and we were quite severely warned by the One Serving that if our intention was to get high and hallucinate that we were in the wrong place. Ayahuasca is not a drug. To the Indigenous, it is obvious that westerners can only associate such experience as a drug, it is our only frame of reference. It is plant medicine, and its uses are varied and many. Only westerners think that it is to get high. Thankfully that was not the intention of this group, nor me. That I experienced such things was purely my way, my consciousness and Consciousness, of speaking to me in a manner I could understand.
When we set our intentions, I intended to release all that was not serving me from truly Walking my Path. And I intended to Create the Clarity and Courage to do so. Be careful what you wish for. You’ll get it – no matter what. As I was soon to discover, it was my game, I’d chosen it all along, and that there was soon to be a new understanding; a marked difference between choosing and Choosing.
(I use lower case and upper case versions of the same word/s to delineate the difference between what would be a “conscious,” (or “lower/ego-centric”), version of something that can also be experienced as a “higher” state… or from the perspective of our “Higher Self” as such, when we come into the Awareness of ourselves Observing).
I found myself in a game I didn’t want to play. I was experiencing a condensed, intense and amplified version in Present Time that mirrored my entire life until that point. I was in some matrix-like carnival, it was supposed to be fun but it made me sick in every possible way – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It was experienced like a loud, boisterous television program, crazy carnival and silly advertising campaign all at once. I became Aware that I was experiencing all the layers of programming and conditioning and that this was the “matrix” that I’d been fooled into since arriving on this planet. I felt with extreme acuteness that it was the voices of parents, teachers, friends, the TV, books, radio, boyfriends, girlfriends… anything and everything …. everything but me. I had lived by everyone else’s decisions of who I was and what I should be and what I should do in my life… everyone and everything… other than me. With each trip to the toilet, I purged out my anger, hatred, rage, frustration and simply the very existence of this game. The new Awareness of having lived in it was so overwhelmingly nauseating. With each purge, I became even more Aware of this game, and that it was not my game, and that I desperately no longer wanted to play. I’d played it for a whole fucking lifetime up till now… just two days short of my 37 years on this planet. ENOUGH. I wanted OUT.
I just wanted to retreat, to lie down, to give up, to surrender – anything to make the pain of it go away.
But the pain would not go away.
I spiraled down even further and felt myself in utter hopelessness. I wandered. I was a crazy woman. I could barely stand, yet I kept wandering. I kept trying to get out, wondering who could help me, who could I turn to. With each thought of going to get help, I would inadvertently keep fumbling, meandering about with both purpose to get somewhere to escape and aimlessness at the same time. I was lost. I was an utter, desperate, victim. Each time the Server was there offering me a hug, I found myself wanting to take it, yet merely the thought of doing so snapped me back into Awareness – what am I doing? No one is gonna fix it for ya. Get on with it then. All the while I was talking to myself, berating myself, yet there was a voice in there too that was tough and kept me going, it kept telling me the way… but in order to do so, I had to ask. There had to be a thought, a decision, of wanting out, and wanting something else.
Each further round to the toilet became more distressing. I became extremely pissed off that I was there again… yet each time… the Conversation with myself progressed. “Oh, here you are again.” I started “telling myself off” … as I was saying “I’ve had enough, I don’t wanna play anymore,” by saying “Well, why are you still playing then?” I was both little girl and the authority… like a demanding teacher. I was ‘beating myself up with a stick’ over it all. It became apparent, another revelation, that I was creating “lessons” for myself. Yep, that was the game… keep learning lessons… hey… isn’t that what you go to school for? Isn’t that what school, what our parents, what the new-age movement tells us to do? That we must learn our “lessons” and that all difficulties in life are to “teach us a lesson.” Well, I like LEARNING, but lessons… that seems to me just some sick game… something that sounds suspiciously religious. Every new Awareness was Progress, I even knew that whilst “under” the influence.
I kept telling myself off… well… its your game… you decided to play. You created it ALL. Yep, even though it’s “other people’s stuff” … you still created it. This is taking Personal Responsibility. I had let it in. I went through self condemnation and self blame, until I discovered that there was no point to that either.
Each round back to the toilet, despite its attempts to dazzle me with carnival music, pastel fairy lights and little beings jumping off the toilet paper, brought this ugly game so into my face that I could not see a way out.
It was excruciatingly cold. I know cold = fear. I got myself back outside, by the fire, yet I could not rest. The fear wanted its way with me; it would not let me curl up and get warm and escape it. It wanted me to face it so it literally pushed me to keep going. The purging became more intense, but instead of making it back to the toilet I was hurling over the rail of the verandah. By this stage it was just bile and I coughed up something that looked like a foetus. Oh, you’re dead I thought. Interesting. You’re as dead as it gets.
I got back onto the mattress by the fire, I found myself in fetal position acting like a baby, almost sucking my thumb. I started laughing at myself and thought how ridiculous that was. It was hysterical! At some point I wondered if I even had a body. Again, I got myself up and went back around in circles a few times more… a few more rounds of “processing” before I really started to get it.
I experienced “death” a number of times. We’d been told that if we felt like we were going to die, then to go for it. That our body would not die, but something within us that needed to, would. I found myself willing myself to die cos I didn’t wanna experience the YUCK anymore. I was literally like, “OK! Let me die already!!” I was laughing when I was literally waiting for death and some big light to appear, cos I realised that was as dead as it gets. When I realised that I’d let something die, that I’d experienced a death, I thought “Oh, I better get back up again, and do something else! What do I want now?” I remember reading some channeled material about a decade ago, whereby they were musing over the fact that there were “dead” people lined up in rows, like in a cemetery, pretending to be dead. Because we believe in death, we lie there, thinkin’, ‘Ok, I must be dead.’ What a hoot! Oh and it just so happens this time around, that when I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’ I’m dead, I’ve still got a body. Woohooo! What a bonus!
Each time that things got better, they would inadvertently get worse again, ie, the more insights/Conscious Awareness I had, the worse the darkness got. I was swinging between the light and the dark until they both came to extremes. The extreme darkness came first. Hey, isn’t that so cliché … the darkness before the light? I was giving up, I was a lost soul. Hunched over, freezing cold, strung out over the railing, yet nothing to hold onto. I was and had nothing, or so I thought. It was like I had been banished from the tribe, yet, it was all self inflicted, all what I believed about myself.
It occurred to me that I had been doing this pattern for a very long time, lifetimes. I snapped into Awareness of this and thought, “What the fuck am I doing? Is this who I am? Is this what I want? Get up, get out of here.” Movement again. Shit, more vomiting. I needed to blow my nose. I had no tissues, damn, I did tell myself to remember the tissues last time. I blew my nose and had snot everywhere. I looked at the disgrace I was. I thought – you’re a woman, projectile vomiting over the balcony with snot running down your face. I Observed myself without the emotion. With no emotion attached to that it was simply: ‘So what? Who cares.’ There was no meaning to it. This gave me some comfort. And it was even a little bit funny. I walked back inside to find the tissues that I’d dutifully packed. Cos I’m a mum, you know. I’m organized and I do things properly. Bah! The labels we give ourselves. How hilarious.
A few more rounds of wandering and processing again, each time coming back to the same places in the spiral and thinking “Oh… this is familiar… don’t wanna experience THAT again… but that “THAT” kept persisting until I would look it square in the face. And somehow that went hand in hand with the ability to desire and choose a different outcome.
Back to the toilet again. What if this is all there is? No, no, NO!!! IT CAN’T BE!!! THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!!!
That was the breaking point. How could there NOT be more than this?? The first glimpses of light came in the toilet. I had now REALLY had enough with my relationship with the toilet! A revelation!!
I GET TO DECIDE NOW. It’s ALL ME. ITS UP TO ME. MY LIFE IS UP TO ME. Shit!!! The beginning of the “light” was born the moment I had the Thought. HmmMmm… something familiar about this statement? “In the beginning was the Word……”
And perhaps… all that darkness… was simply “compost” … the fertilizer that Birthed the Thought into Being .. that I wanted, that I was… more.
I finally got myself inside and on a mattress. Someone put a blanket over me. There was a glimmer of hope that the worst was over. I started to feel warm and nurturing of myself. I took comfort in the Knowing, the Truth, that now, TRULY, my life was up to ME!! IT’S ALL UP TO ME!! I was smiling, beaming…. This gave me great comfort, peace and JOY! OMG!! I CAN CREATE IT EXACTLY HOW I WANT IT NOW! I’M FREE!!!!
I AM FREE!!!!!
I kept swinging between light and dark for a while more, but the dark was now just an Awareness, a memory. I started seeing myself in scenarios, in my current life, going down the path of darkness; ie an old pattern, yet realizing, becoming Aware, Feeling and Thinking where I was going the “wrong way” and decidedly taking the other direction, a direction whereby I was Centred in my own Being and all Actions and Choices from that place could only be “right” … or to take the emotion out of that religious crap of there even being a “right and wrong” … could only feel “yum.” And even when its not really feeling too “yum”, but its “Right Action”, it at least feels like some sort of relief.
Going from darkness to light was synchronised with the music that was being played. Each time the darkness faded it just so happened that the man who was playing his guitar and singing in his beautiful voice had started a new song. The music and lyrics brought me back each time. There were many songs, and all of the words were so relevant, yet afterward, the only ones I could remember were:
‘Let the Truth
Nourish the Roots.’
I became more and more in Love. The Positive Opposite to the darkness I felt was pure Bliss. I was the sun, the warmth radiated from me. Light and warmth burst out of my hands, heart and entire body. I loved everyone and everything. I loved those that had hurt me the most, that had really made me suffer, for showing me the Way, for playing the role to wake me up SO profoundly. For giving me what I had always wanted most but never knew… Strength and Courage to be me… Walking my own Path. I loved my whole life. I loved the darkness for what it had taught/brought me. Before I was asleep, I was in fear, and now… I was Awake. Nothing had changed but my perception, and the Awareness that I now had that I really was in charge of my own life. Which, paradoxically meant EVERYTHING had changed.
Marianne; my friend, teacher, and Sharman, and her daughter came in and started cheering for me each time I was getting it (of course, they weren’t physically there, but I could “see” and “communicate” with them). It was so delicious to welcome the support. I’d go into darkness again, but when I started to Think myself out of, I became more and more Aware of when the balance tipped, and cautioned myself to not get attached, not even to the light. I discerned the Feeling of Balance, of the Middle Way. Just Allow. They came back, cheering me on again.
After a while Marianne said to her daughter in a playful tone … “Do ya think we should go so she gets the hint not to get too used to us cheering her on?” I laughed. Bliss was bubbling up from within me and pouring forth. I sang, I hummed, I sent love to those I knew and wanted to tell everyone in the room how awesome they were. I caught myself wanting to go and share this with everyone, and came back to the Awareness of Balance – Self First. Sacred Selfishness. There’s NOTHING I need to do for anyone, other than be me. Its so funny… the first “spiritual healer” I ever went to, over a decade ago, told me the very same thing the first session I ever had. I was so desperate to “have a purpose,” to help others, to Serve, to give. She told me, “You’ll help others by simply being who you are.” It is really that simple. But I had to go on a Journey, to learn it… or rather… unlearn all the masses and layers of conditioning that told me otherwise.
I was Aware of the man lying next to me, and thought that he was reaching out to comfort me and I contemplated letting him in, perhaps he wanted to hold my hand to comfort me. I opened my eyes to look at him yet he was nowhere near me. I laughed… my projection. With that came another decision, from new Awareness; I decided to simply be ME. The messages kept coming back to that …. Nothing outside, only within. Keep bringing it back to within. I knew then, in that moment, in that instant, that I did not need anything from anyone. There was no other way. It was out of Integrity, and the Integrity of simply Being me was Bliss. Of course, “sharing” that with another from this space would just be awesome …
I no longer cared what anyone thought of me. I knew who I was, I knew my Path, and I Trusted in it. I was going to raise my daughter the way I Knew was best. I saw us living exactly as I wanted. I felt into scenarios with her where I did not know what to do, or have the answers. And realised that was ok, all of it, all of me, was good enough. I could find my Way. I did not have to know all the answers. They come in their own way in their own right time. I was perfect as I was.
I knew I could Trust in my Path. I became more Aware that all roads lead to Self. Yet one of those paths is a bit harder, and hurts more. Yet it is ok. The worst that can happen is death. And there is no death.
I saw myself Walking my Walk with a big cat beside me… a female lion. I just felt its Presence.
My daughter came in a few times around this point too… she was just so happy! So happy her mum was getting it. I celebrated with her.
I was so Aware during all of it. I knew all that Marianne had taught me was true; we only needed the simple tools and not all of this “induced” experience to feel and know who we REALLY are. Yet it was an experience and I Consciously chose it. Even though a friend rang later in the day and gave me a serve of her judgment about me using “something external” which was a “drug” yet decidedly told me she was “not judging me” - I did not care. When I felt my annoyance and anger at her rise in the moment, I released it knowing it was her stuff. I no longer needed to take on anyone else’s stuff. I realised her projection that I ‘could have had an entity attached’ because I did Ayahuasca was her projection. It was wonderful to feel I KNEW otherwise; I did not have to take on her fear. She is a the-rapist after all. She’s supposed to find stuff attached to people and make a living from it … no problems with that, except, its just BS (a Belief System) that doesn’t work for me anymore. I don’t need to apologise to anyone for passing through that veil in order to make them a little more comfortable. Spent nuff lifetimes doin’ THAT. YUCK.
Yet, there was another Gift in her ‘judgment’ too: she did reflect the fact that I NEVER would have considered to do something like this before. Because she knew that I ALREADY know that we have DIRECT access to Consciousness 24/7. And I’ve been practicing this for a while. Yet, I’d been struggling to fully believe in it… to fully believe in myself, and have the Courage to take the Right Actions. So when this opportunity came along, it was Right Action. There was no question.. it felt “yum,” rather than “yuck” and so … it was simply something I had to do. And that’s the beauty about relying only on ourselves … on our own thoughts/Thoughts, and feelings/Feelings, and consciousness/Consciousness. Because all roads lead to Self.
I may not have learned much that I did not already know, yet it was truly a Gift. Perhaps I knew these things before, but knowing and Knowing, and knowing and doing/Doing are different. Perhaps I know them at a level deep enough now to live it. Oh what am I talking about… I AM living it! As best I can, in the moment. It aligned me even further to my Path. Perhaps it just took away some doubt, when I had been doubting myself. If anything, it gave me more confidence in not only myself, and that I WAS Progressing, it gave me more confidence in the tools I have to use. Bonus! I felt so much love and appreciation for Marianne, for simply who she was and what she had given me by simply being herself, and sharing the tools she had. I wished I could return the Gift.
During the time I was purging so badly and wanted it all to end, but it wouldn’t, I swore I would never do it again. And even though I felt such love, bliss and warmth at the end, and the experience gave me so much, and I felt like I would really love to do it all again - I won’t ever do it again. Because as the integration kept happening throughout the rest of the day, it became even clearer that I ALREADY have within me ALL I ever need to know. It was a condensed, intense experience of what I already do: Observe myself as the Observer and the observed. Now I can Trust my self and Self … ALWAYS. And when I don’t … I can remember to remember.
I became Aware that there is a fine line in walking the Middle Way. It is ok to deviate off… too much toward a “good thing” can take us off balance … for example, pride and wanting others to see us or acknowledge us, as does too much darkness. Somewhere in that Middle Way feels like Power. And the Power is always in the Present Moment… not in the past… and certainly not when we’re digging around looking for it. YES … understanding helps… but life is ALWAYS showing us what we need in Present Time… we need go no further than our own thoughts and feelings.
The bliss subsided into comfort and rest. The darkness disappeared, but I had a newfound respect for it. I drifted off into sleep, until the Server sang us awake to sit in circle and Share.
There was so much to receive from all the others Sharing, and I gained so much from Sharing my own story. I was in fits and giggles of laughter at how hilarious the darkness was!! This “High Tone” state; ie I was high UP on the Emotional Tone Scale, was testimony to my Progress and transformation. Oh my… it was so ironic… that the darkness/our shadows, is just SO friggin funny! I don’t usually feel so emotional in front of people when I’m sharing … I’m usually more aware of how I am trying to portray myself. This was real, this was me. I told them how I was the victim, crazy, helpless woman and how I faced and accepted the darkness and was warmed by the light. I wanted to say “WE ARE self and SELF!” but it didn’t come. Oh well, it wasn’t my job to tell anyone anything.
The Server told us, “Please don’t forget, please don’t forget.” I made the decision then and there to write this story… for myself.
I feel a new-found sense of acceptance for where everyone else is. How can I not love it? Because I love myself. Which also means I no longer need to make myself smaller to make anyone else feel comfortable in their stuckedness (technical term ;)). That was a big pattern that unravelled itself in the wee hours of the morning… the need to do anything for anyone. I don’t need to help anyone. I can just joyfully and blissfully be me. And I can still be me when I’m not joyful and blissful. And being in the space of an Observer, seeing myself in the hopeless state, will be an Image that remains with me… as a reminder. I only have to remember to remember. Lucky I don’t mind Thinkin’ … (that very thing that the new-age movement tells ya NOT to do … just sayin’ … I didn’t get seven planets in air signs for nuthin… that would have been a seriously MEAN joke by any “external” God…. Just sayin’ …)
I only had one drink. I could have had another, there was a part of me pushing to do it and I had to discern if that voice was good for me or not. I wanted to allow myself the time to relax and integrate, it had been hard on my body and I was tired… it was not an excuse… it was self care. (Yes, I could Trust my self to make up my own Mind! GOSH… how liberating! Well if I didn’t decide who and what I was and what I wanted, who would? Oh yeah… been down that road before… that one had me hangin’ over the toilet bowl, remember?) It was powerful medicine. I did feel however, there could be so much more. That I could go deeper into my bliss/beingness, and funnily enough, that scared me more! I was a bit dubious about whether I had to experience all the purging again to “get” there, but was aware that the Power and wondrousness of what I could potentially experience might just be too much to handle! Ironic. Yet I also know that it would mean more to me to access that state on my own. Because I can, at the right time, in the right way and for the right reasons – not for need, fear or attachment.
Throughout the whole Journey, I was Aware that it was ME Creating it. All of it. It was my story, it was my game. I could Think myself through ANYTHING. I just had to decide what I wanted. Every time I decided, yet faced an obstacle, I wanted to give up. But the powerful medicine made me face it. I couldn’t give up, I simply had to keep going. And I know that powerful medicine IS me. The “Mother” that they say is Ayahuasca, IS ME. It is the tough voice that says “Get up, and keep going,” it is the gentle voice that says “It’s ok, rest now” … all the voices/Voices are me … my self and Self. I was Aware, I was Thinking the whole time. I’d long ago passed the veil in the “new-age” movement which tells you not to think, to get out of your head. Bullshit!! ALL of our thoughts are relevant! I welcomed them ALL… EACH had something to teach me… the supposedly “negative” ones showed me where I was not loving or allowing myself, signaling “wrong way,” and the “yum” feeling ones showed me the “right way”…. The way out that I was looking for? YES. It, life, spirituality, growth, evolution … does not need to be ANY more complicated than that! For chrissake, we have to THINK to interpret our feelings!! By doing so, I was able to do the “Right Actions” EVEN whilst under the influence. I felt there was a WAY between surrender/Allowing and Consciously Creating. And to participate, I simply Observed, and asked “How/What questions” … ie “What next?” “How do I get out of this?” to which I would receive an answer, ie “drink water, go to fire, walk over there.. etc,” which was me PARTICIPATING in my own experience.
This Awareness of self and Self is the “two streams of Consciousness.” Our ability to Observe the two streams makes US the “Holy Triad.” The truth has been in our face all along. YET – when we are “externalising,” as many do… such as saying “this is the ‘Mother’,” this is ‘Mother Earth’ … we lose Power. We abdicate our Power, and our Responsibility. And it is this one simple truth that has been kept secret from us (or not). We are IT. When I was able to Observe myself spiraling down, I consciously Chose to change my Thinking AND observed my results, to know whether I was on track. This was my “Progress” through the ENTIRE time… and defines a VERY big difference between what most people generally do… which is PROCESS. The new-age movement has us all “processing” our emotions; goin over n over and over them to “heal” and “purge” them. This is not necessary. We do not need “healing.” The healing is simply in our Awareness, and our ability to Observe, and CHOOSE otherwise. And do the Actions that correspond with that. So when I was Choosing, using my Thinking, and even “willpower” … (eg a decided thought to CHANGE this pattern), I found myself up against obstacles. These I had to face, I had to surrender to…. The opposite of denial and avoidance. I needed to look directly into the face of my fears, my shadows. There was no avoiding this on Ayahuasca… and now I know, that there is no need to avoid them in the rest of my life either. They bring Gifts. Many. And when we don’t face our fears, they simply MUST materialise in our Reality. They get louder. When we simply Allow them to be what they are, just owning them, releasing them, and Choosing otherwise, they disappear. And oh how we can LAUGH! When we spiral/cycle around to a similar situation again, we remember to remember that we’ve been there before, and Choose a different way. And all that vomiting was simply the fear of meeting my fears… a rejection of them. A literal violent rejection of what I did not wish to own or see. Those that are still externalising might vomit it out… yet they are still shutting out a part of their OWN mind. Fear is fear…. Allowing it is MUCH better than resisting it.
Ayahuasca showed me, with stark clarity, the two veils that are being held firmly in place to keep people asleep. The idea that we must “PROCESS” our way out of old stuff in order to “heal”, and that we keep “EXTERNALISING;” keeping us distracted from the Truth of who we REALLY are. The “new religion” is Gaia/Mother Earth/The Goddess. It is a trap. Ayahuasca does not want to be a religion either. It is a plant. WE CREATED IT with our Consciousness. It is a part of US. I do Respect; of the earth, of the plant, of all things. But I do not need an external God, or Goddess, or plant to worship… because I know these are simply a Reflection of me.
I bid everyone farewell and thanked the Server. She told me she could feel something about my beauty within that was very familiar to her. I smiled and left happy with who I am.
‘Let the Truth
Nourish the Roots.’
♥ `*.¸.*.♥.✿*.¸.*.♥☼ ❥ ... ℒƠѵℯ Shriya
A Dragon's Tale; BLOG: http://adragonstale.weebly.com/
All the tools I use are shared freely over at www.creativegoalsetting.com
Marianne – Sharman, teacher, friend, SiStar… almost no words… infinity of Appreciation and thanks for EVERYTHING.
Israe – for ‘passing the torch’ and making profound guest-appearances of Support along the way. Thank you.
Gandalf – for being there at a pivotal moment that changed my life, for the experience and the abundant Gifts that it brought. Thank you.
N&T – for Providing the space, the vehicle, the music, and you.
Drawing this card after I’d just taken my first drink, I laughed to myself and thought “Fuck, yeah that’d be right!” I’ve spent a lot of time avoiding the darkness. Well, not exactly… I’ve been being POUNDED by it, so I had no choice to see, experience and feel it….. yet did not know a way out. I’d found my way to this ceremony because I really wanted through this. No… I really wanted OUT. I was tired and weary and could not ‘fight’ anymore. I was fighting for myself, for my very basic rights, and it wasn’t working. I knew I needed to surrender, but didn’t know how to in the face of so much fear. Although I’d begun, I kept getting triggered by the very things I wanted to escape from. I knew that darkness had its place, but knowing and Knowing are two different things entirely. And I knew I needed to Know.
It took a while for the drink to settle in. I thought I could control it and was ruminating on my fear of throwing up. So what did I do – I threw up. I absolutely HATE throwing up (I know I know… who loves it?). When I finally surrendered to the fact I had to, I did so with the Awareness that I was in fact releasing all that did not serve me in that moment and I had made a conscious intention to do just that.
The first “purge” as its known didn’t reveal anything startling (other than looking at what was in the toilet and thinking I’m so glad to be getting rid of all that shit – other people’s shit as I perceived it) but as the effects of the plant took me deeper, I felt myself spiraling down into an awful state where I just didn’t want to be. I felt like I was going around in circles – yet it really was a downward spiral; I was Aware, I was ever-present as the Observer, that I kept coming back to the same point again and again. The same pattern.
Things started to become more lucid, more psychedelic even. Ayahuasca contains only 2 percent DMT and we were quite severely warned by the One Serving that if our intention was to get high and hallucinate that we were in the wrong place. Ayahuasca is not a drug. To the Indigenous, it is obvious that westerners can only associate such experience as a drug, it is our only frame of reference. It is plant medicine, and its uses are varied and many. Only westerners think that it is to get high. Thankfully that was not the intention of this group, nor me. That I experienced such things was purely my way, my consciousness and Consciousness, of speaking to me in a manner I could understand.
When we set our intentions, I intended to release all that was not serving me from truly Walking my Path. And I intended to Create the Clarity and Courage to do so. Be careful what you wish for. You’ll get it – no matter what. As I was soon to discover, it was my game, I’d chosen it all along, and that there was soon to be a new understanding; a marked difference between choosing and Choosing.
(I use lower case and upper case versions of the same word/s to delineate the difference between what would be a “conscious,” (or “lower/ego-centric”), version of something that can also be experienced as a “higher” state… or from the perspective of our “Higher Self” as such, when we come into the Awareness of ourselves Observing).
I found myself in a game I didn’t want to play. I was experiencing a condensed, intense and amplified version in Present Time that mirrored my entire life until that point. I was in some matrix-like carnival, it was supposed to be fun but it made me sick in every possible way – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It was experienced like a loud, boisterous television program, crazy carnival and silly advertising campaign all at once. I became Aware that I was experiencing all the layers of programming and conditioning and that this was the “matrix” that I’d been fooled into since arriving on this planet. I felt with extreme acuteness that it was the voices of parents, teachers, friends, the TV, books, radio, boyfriends, girlfriends… anything and everything …. everything but me. I had lived by everyone else’s decisions of who I was and what I should be and what I should do in my life… everyone and everything… other than me. With each trip to the toilet, I purged out my anger, hatred, rage, frustration and simply the very existence of this game. The new Awareness of having lived in it was so overwhelmingly nauseating. With each purge, I became even more Aware of this game, and that it was not my game, and that I desperately no longer wanted to play. I’d played it for a whole fucking lifetime up till now… just two days short of my 37 years on this planet. ENOUGH. I wanted OUT.
I just wanted to retreat, to lie down, to give up, to surrender – anything to make the pain of it go away.
But the pain would not go away.
I spiraled down even further and felt myself in utter hopelessness. I wandered. I was a crazy woman. I could barely stand, yet I kept wandering. I kept trying to get out, wondering who could help me, who could I turn to. With each thought of going to get help, I would inadvertently keep fumbling, meandering about with both purpose to get somewhere to escape and aimlessness at the same time. I was lost. I was an utter, desperate, victim. Each time the Server was there offering me a hug, I found myself wanting to take it, yet merely the thought of doing so snapped me back into Awareness – what am I doing? No one is gonna fix it for ya. Get on with it then. All the while I was talking to myself, berating myself, yet there was a voice in there too that was tough and kept me going, it kept telling me the way… but in order to do so, I had to ask. There had to be a thought, a decision, of wanting out, and wanting something else.
Each further round to the toilet became more distressing. I became extremely pissed off that I was there again… yet each time… the Conversation with myself progressed. “Oh, here you are again.” I started “telling myself off” … as I was saying “I’ve had enough, I don’t wanna play anymore,” by saying “Well, why are you still playing then?” I was both little girl and the authority… like a demanding teacher. I was ‘beating myself up with a stick’ over it all. It became apparent, another revelation, that I was creating “lessons” for myself. Yep, that was the game… keep learning lessons… hey… isn’t that what you go to school for? Isn’t that what school, what our parents, what the new-age movement tells us to do? That we must learn our “lessons” and that all difficulties in life are to “teach us a lesson.” Well, I like LEARNING, but lessons… that seems to me just some sick game… something that sounds suspiciously religious. Every new Awareness was Progress, I even knew that whilst “under” the influence.
I kept telling myself off… well… its your game… you decided to play. You created it ALL. Yep, even though it’s “other people’s stuff” … you still created it. This is taking Personal Responsibility. I had let it in. I went through self condemnation and self blame, until I discovered that there was no point to that either.
Each round back to the toilet, despite its attempts to dazzle me with carnival music, pastel fairy lights and little beings jumping off the toilet paper, brought this ugly game so into my face that I could not see a way out.
It was excruciatingly cold. I know cold = fear. I got myself back outside, by the fire, yet I could not rest. The fear wanted its way with me; it would not let me curl up and get warm and escape it. It wanted me to face it so it literally pushed me to keep going. The purging became more intense, but instead of making it back to the toilet I was hurling over the rail of the verandah. By this stage it was just bile and I coughed up something that looked like a foetus. Oh, you’re dead I thought. Interesting. You’re as dead as it gets.
I got back onto the mattress by the fire, I found myself in fetal position acting like a baby, almost sucking my thumb. I started laughing at myself and thought how ridiculous that was. It was hysterical! At some point I wondered if I even had a body. Again, I got myself up and went back around in circles a few times more… a few more rounds of “processing” before I really started to get it.
I experienced “death” a number of times. We’d been told that if we felt like we were going to die, then to go for it. That our body would not die, but something within us that needed to, would. I found myself willing myself to die cos I didn’t wanna experience the YUCK anymore. I was literally like, “OK! Let me die already!!” I was laughing when I was literally waiting for death and some big light to appear, cos I realised that was as dead as it gets. When I realised that I’d let something die, that I’d experienced a death, I thought “Oh, I better get back up again, and do something else! What do I want now?” I remember reading some channeled material about a decade ago, whereby they were musing over the fact that there were “dead” people lined up in rows, like in a cemetery, pretending to be dead. Because we believe in death, we lie there, thinkin’, ‘Ok, I must be dead.’ What a hoot! Oh and it just so happens this time around, that when I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’ I’m dead, I’ve still got a body. Woohooo! What a bonus!
Each time that things got better, they would inadvertently get worse again, ie, the more insights/Conscious Awareness I had, the worse the darkness got. I was swinging between the light and the dark until they both came to extremes. The extreme darkness came first. Hey, isn’t that so cliché … the darkness before the light? I was giving up, I was a lost soul. Hunched over, freezing cold, strung out over the railing, yet nothing to hold onto. I was and had nothing, or so I thought. It was like I had been banished from the tribe, yet, it was all self inflicted, all what I believed about myself.
It occurred to me that I had been doing this pattern for a very long time, lifetimes. I snapped into Awareness of this and thought, “What the fuck am I doing? Is this who I am? Is this what I want? Get up, get out of here.” Movement again. Shit, more vomiting. I needed to blow my nose. I had no tissues, damn, I did tell myself to remember the tissues last time. I blew my nose and had snot everywhere. I looked at the disgrace I was. I thought – you’re a woman, projectile vomiting over the balcony with snot running down your face. I Observed myself without the emotion. With no emotion attached to that it was simply: ‘So what? Who cares.’ There was no meaning to it. This gave me some comfort. And it was even a little bit funny. I walked back inside to find the tissues that I’d dutifully packed. Cos I’m a mum, you know. I’m organized and I do things properly. Bah! The labels we give ourselves. How hilarious.
A few more rounds of wandering and processing again, each time coming back to the same places in the spiral and thinking “Oh… this is familiar… don’t wanna experience THAT again… but that “THAT” kept persisting until I would look it square in the face. And somehow that went hand in hand with the ability to desire and choose a different outcome.
Back to the toilet again. What if this is all there is? No, no, NO!!! IT CAN’T BE!!! THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS!!!
That was the breaking point. How could there NOT be more than this?? The first glimpses of light came in the toilet. I had now REALLY had enough with my relationship with the toilet! A revelation!!
I GET TO DECIDE NOW. It’s ALL ME. ITS UP TO ME. MY LIFE IS UP TO ME. Shit!!! The beginning of the “light” was born the moment I had the Thought. HmmMmm… something familiar about this statement? “In the beginning was the Word……”
And perhaps… all that darkness… was simply “compost” … the fertilizer that Birthed the Thought into Being .. that I wanted, that I was… more.
I finally got myself inside and on a mattress. Someone put a blanket over me. There was a glimmer of hope that the worst was over. I started to feel warm and nurturing of myself. I took comfort in the Knowing, the Truth, that now, TRULY, my life was up to ME!! IT’S ALL UP TO ME!! I was smiling, beaming…. This gave me great comfort, peace and JOY! OMG!! I CAN CREATE IT EXACTLY HOW I WANT IT NOW! I’M FREE!!!!
I AM FREE!!!!!
I kept swinging between light and dark for a while more, but the dark was now just an Awareness, a memory. I started seeing myself in scenarios, in my current life, going down the path of darkness; ie an old pattern, yet realizing, becoming Aware, Feeling and Thinking where I was going the “wrong way” and decidedly taking the other direction, a direction whereby I was Centred in my own Being and all Actions and Choices from that place could only be “right” … or to take the emotion out of that religious crap of there even being a “right and wrong” … could only feel “yum.” And even when its not really feeling too “yum”, but its “Right Action”, it at least feels like some sort of relief.
Going from darkness to light was synchronised with the music that was being played. Each time the darkness faded it just so happened that the man who was playing his guitar and singing in his beautiful voice had started a new song. The music and lyrics brought me back each time. There were many songs, and all of the words were so relevant, yet afterward, the only ones I could remember were:
‘Let the Truth
Nourish the Roots.’
I became more and more in Love. The Positive Opposite to the darkness I felt was pure Bliss. I was the sun, the warmth radiated from me. Light and warmth burst out of my hands, heart and entire body. I loved everyone and everything. I loved those that had hurt me the most, that had really made me suffer, for showing me the Way, for playing the role to wake me up SO profoundly. For giving me what I had always wanted most but never knew… Strength and Courage to be me… Walking my own Path. I loved my whole life. I loved the darkness for what it had taught/brought me. Before I was asleep, I was in fear, and now… I was Awake. Nothing had changed but my perception, and the Awareness that I now had that I really was in charge of my own life. Which, paradoxically meant EVERYTHING had changed.
Marianne; my friend, teacher, and Sharman, and her daughter came in and started cheering for me each time I was getting it (of course, they weren’t physically there, but I could “see” and “communicate” with them). It was so delicious to welcome the support. I’d go into darkness again, but when I started to Think myself out of, I became more and more Aware of when the balance tipped, and cautioned myself to not get attached, not even to the light. I discerned the Feeling of Balance, of the Middle Way. Just Allow. They came back, cheering me on again.
After a while Marianne said to her daughter in a playful tone … “Do ya think we should go so she gets the hint not to get too used to us cheering her on?” I laughed. Bliss was bubbling up from within me and pouring forth. I sang, I hummed, I sent love to those I knew and wanted to tell everyone in the room how awesome they were. I caught myself wanting to go and share this with everyone, and came back to the Awareness of Balance – Self First. Sacred Selfishness. There’s NOTHING I need to do for anyone, other than be me. Its so funny… the first “spiritual healer” I ever went to, over a decade ago, told me the very same thing the first session I ever had. I was so desperate to “have a purpose,” to help others, to Serve, to give. She told me, “You’ll help others by simply being who you are.” It is really that simple. But I had to go on a Journey, to learn it… or rather… unlearn all the masses and layers of conditioning that told me otherwise.
I was Aware of the man lying next to me, and thought that he was reaching out to comfort me and I contemplated letting him in, perhaps he wanted to hold my hand to comfort me. I opened my eyes to look at him yet he was nowhere near me. I laughed… my projection. With that came another decision, from new Awareness; I decided to simply be ME. The messages kept coming back to that …. Nothing outside, only within. Keep bringing it back to within. I knew then, in that moment, in that instant, that I did not need anything from anyone. There was no other way. It was out of Integrity, and the Integrity of simply Being me was Bliss. Of course, “sharing” that with another from this space would just be awesome …
I no longer cared what anyone thought of me. I knew who I was, I knew my Path, and I Trusted in it. I was going to raise my daughter the way I Knew was best. I saw us living exactly as I wanted. I felt into scenarios with her where I did not know what to do, or have the answers. And realised that was ok, all of it, all of me, was good enough. I could find my Way. I did not have to know all the answers. They come in their own way in their own right time. I was perfect as I was.
I knew I could Trust in my Path. I became more Aware that all roads lead to Self. Yet one of those paths is a bit harder, and hurts more. Yet it is ok. The worst that can happen is death. And there is no death.
I saw myself Walking my Walk with a big cat beside me… a female lion. I just felt its Presence.
My daughter came in a few times around this point too… she was just so happy! So happy her mum was getting it. I celebrated with her.
I was so Aware during all of it. I knew all that Marianne had taught me was true; we only needed the simple tools and not all of this “induced” experience to feel and know who we REALLY are. Yet it was an experience and I Consciously chose it. Even though a friend rang later in the day and gave me a serve of her judgment about me using “something external” which was a “drug” yet decidedly told me she was “not judging me” - I did not care. When I felt my annoyance and anger at her rise in the moment, I released it knowing it was her stuff. I no longer needed to take on anyone else’s stuff. I realised her projection that I ‘could have had an entity attached’ because I did Ayahuasca was her projection. It was wonderful to feel I KNEW otherwise; I did not have to take on her fear. She is a the-rapist after all. She’s supposed to find stuff attached to people and make a living from it … no problems with that, except, its just BS (a Belief System) that doesn’t work for me anymore. I don’t need to apologise to anyone for passing through that veil in order to make them a little more comfortable. Spent nuff lifetimes doin’ THAT. YUCK.
Yet, there was another Gift in her ‘judgment’ too: she did reflect the fact that I NEVER would have considered to do something like this before. Because she knew that I ALREADY know that we have DIRECT access to Consciousness 24/7. And I’ve been practicing this for a while. Yet, I’d been struggling to fully believe in it… to fully believe in myself, and have the Courage to take the Right Actions. So when this opportunity came along, it was Right Action. There was no question.. it felt “yum,” rather than “yuck” and so … it was simply something I had to do. And that’s the beauty about relying only on ourselves … on our own thoughts/Thoughts, and feelings/Feelings, and consciousness/Consciousness. Because all roads lead to Self.
I may not have learned much that I did not already know, yet it was truly a Gift. Perhaps I knew these things before, but knowing and Knowing, and knowing and doing/Doing are different. Perhaps I know them at a level deep enough now to live it. Oh what am I talking about… I AM living it! As best I can, in the moment. It aligned me even further to my Path. Perhaps it just took away some doubt, when I had been doubting myself. If anything, it gave me more confidence in not only myself, and that I WAS Progressing, it gave me more confidence in the tools I have to use. Bonus! I felt so much love and appreciation for Marianne, for simply who she was and what she had given me by simply being herself, and sharing the tools she had. I wished I could return the Gift.
During the time I was purging so badly and wanted it all to end, but it wouldn’t, I swore I would never do it again. And even though I felt such love, bliss and warmth at the end, and the experience gave me so much, and I felt like I would really love to do it all again - I won’t ever do it again. Because as the integration kept happening throughout the rest of the day, it became even clearer that I ALREADY have within me ALL I ever need to know. It was a condensed, intense experience of what I already do: Observe myself as the Observer and the observed. Now I can Trust my self and Self … ALWAYS. And when I don’t … I can remember to remember.
I became Aware that there is a fine line in walking the Middle Way. It is ok to deviate off… too much toward a “good thing” can take us off balance … for example, pride and wanting others to see us or acknowledge us, as does too much darkness. Somewhere in that Middle Way feels like Power. And the Power is always in the Present Moment… not in the past… and certainly not when we’re digging around looking for it. YES … understanding helps… but life is ALWAYS showing us what we need in Present Time… we need go no further than our own thoughts and feelings.
The bliss subsided into comfort and rest. The darkness disappeared, but I had a newfound respect for it. I drifted off into sleep, until the Server sang us awake to sit in circle and Share.
There was so much to receive from all the others Sharing, and I gained so much from Sharing my own story. I was in fits and giggles of laughter at how hilarious the darkness was!! This “High Tone” state; ie I was high UP on the Emotional Tone Scale, was testimony to my Progress and transformation. Oh my… it was so ironic… that the darkness/our shadows, is just SO friggin funny! I don’t usually feel so emotional in front of people when I’m sharing … I’m usually more aware of how I am trying to portray myself. This was real, this was me. I told them how I was the victim, crazy, helpless woman and how I faced and accepted the darkness and was warmed by the light. I wanted to say “WE ARE self and SELF!” but it didn’t come. Oh well, it wasn’t my job to tell anyone anything.
The Server told us, “Please don’t forget, please don’t forget.” I made the decision then and there to write this story… for myself.
I feel a new-found sense of acceptance for where everyone else is. How can I not love it? Because I love myself. Which also means I no longer need to make myself smaller to make anyone else feel comfortable in their stuckedness (technical term ;)). That was a big pattern that unravelled itself in the wee hours of the morning… the need to do anything for anyone. I don’t need to help anyone. I can just joyfully and blissfully be me. And I can still be me when I’m not joyful and blissful. And being in the space of an Observer, seeing myself in the hopeless state, will be an Image that remains with me… as a reminder. I only have to remember to remember. Lucky I don’t mind Thinkin’ … (that very thing that the new-age movement tells ya NOT to do … just sayin’ … I didn’t get seven planets in air signs for nuthin… that would have been a seriously MEAN joke by any “external” God…. Just sayin’ …)
I only had one drink. I could have had another, there was a part of me pushing to do it and I had to discern if that voice was good for me or not. I wanted to allow myself the time to relax and integrate, it had been hard on my body and I was tired… it was not an excuse… it was self care. (Yes, I could Trust my self to make up my own Mind! GOSH… how liberating! Well if I didn’t decide who and what I was and what I wanted, who would? Oh yeah… been down that road before… that one had me hangin’ over the toilet bowl, remember?) It was powerful medicine. I did feel however, there could be so much more. That I could go deeper into my bliss/beingness, and funnily enough, that scared me more! I was a bit dubious about whether I had to experience all the purging again to “get” there, but was aware that the Power and wondrousness of what I could potentially experience might just be too much to handle! Ironic. Yet I also know that it would mean more to me to access that state on my own. Because I can, at the right time, in the right way and for the right reasons – not for need, fear or attachment.
Throughout the whole Journey, I was Aware that it was ME Creating it. All of it. It was my story, it was my game. I could Think myself through ANYTHING. I just had to decide what I wanted. Every time I decided, yet faced an obstacle, I wanted to give up. But the powerful medicine made me face it. I couldn’t give up, I simply had to keep going. And I know that powerful medicine IS me. The “Mother” that they say is Ayahuasca, IS ME. It is the tough voice that says “Get up, and keep going,” it is the gentle voice that says “It’s ok, rest now” … all the voices/Voices are me … my self and Self. I was Aware, I was Thinking the whole time. I’d long ago passed the veil in the “new-age” movement which tells you not to think, to get out of your head. Bullshit!! ALL of our thoughts are relevant! I welcomed them ALL… EACH had something to teach me… the supposedly “negative” ones showed me where I was not loving or allowing myself, signaling “wrong way,” and the “yum” feeling ones showed me the “right way”…. The way out that I was looking for? YES. It, life, spirituality, growth, evolution … does not need to be ANY more complicated than that! For chrissake, we have to THINK to interpret our feelings!! By doing so, I was able to do the “Right Actions” EVEN whilst under the influence. I felt there was a WAY between surrender/Allowing and Consciously Creating. And to participate, I simply Observed, and asked “How/What questions” … ie “What next?” “How do I get out of this?” to which I would receive an answer, ie “drink water, go to fire, walk over there.. etc,” which was me PARTICIPATING in my own experience.
This Awareness of self and Self is the “two streams of Consciousness.” Our ability to Observe the two streams makes US the “Holy Triad.” The truth has been in our face all along. YET – when we are “externalising,” as many do… such as saying “this is the ‘Mother’,” this is ‘Mother Earth’ … we lose Power. We abdicate our Power, and our Responsibility. And it is this one simple truth that has been kept secret from us (or not). We are IT. When I was able to Observe myself spiraling down, I consciously Chose to change my Thinking AND observed my results, to know whether I was on track. This was my “Progress” through the ENTIRE time… and defines a VERY big difference between what most people generally do… which is PROCESS. The new-age movement has us all “processing” our emotions; goin over n over and over them to “heal” and “purge” them. This is not necessary. We do not need “healing.” The healing is simply in our Awareness, and our ability to Observe, and CHOOSE otherwise. And do the Actions that correspond with that. So when I was Choosing, using my Thinking, and even “willpower” … (eg a decided thought to CHANGE this pattern), I found myself up against obstacles. These I had to face, I had to surrender to…. The opposite of denial and avoidance. I needed to look directly into the face of my fears, my shadows. There was no avoiding this on Ayahuasca… and now I know, that there is no need to avoid them in the rest of my life either. They bring Gifts. Many. And when we don’t face our fears, they simply MUST materialise in our Reality. They get louder. When we simply Allow them to be what they are, just owning them, releasing them, and Choosing otherwise, they disappear. And oh how we can LAUGH! When we spiral/cycle around to a similar situation again, we remember to remember that we’ve been there before, and Choose a different way. And all that vomiting was simply the fear of meeting my fears… a rejection of them. A literal violent rejection of what I did not wish to own or see. Those that are still externalising might vomit it out… yet they are still shutting out a part of their OWN mind. Fear is fear…. Allowing it is MUCH better than resisting it.
Ayahuasca showed me, with stark clarity, the two veils that are being held firmly in place to keep people asleep. The idea that we must “PROCESS” our way out of old stuff in order to “heal”, and that we keep “EXTERNALISING;” keeping us distracted from the Truth of who we REALLY are. The “new religion” is Gaia/Mother Earth/The Goddess. It is a trap. Ayahuasca does not want to be a religion either. It is a plant. WE CREATED IT with our Consciousness. It is a part of US. I do Respect; of the earth, of the plant, of all things. But I do not need an external God, or Goddess, or plant to worship… because I know these are simply a Reflection of me.
I bid everyone farewell and thanked the Server. She told me she could feel something about my beauty within that was very familiar to her. I smiled and left happy with who I am.
‘Let the Truth
Nourish the Roots.’
♥ `*.¸.*.♥.✿*.¸.*.♥☼ ❥ ... ℒƠѵℯ Shriya
A Dragon's Tale; BLOG: http://adragonstale.weebly.com/
All the tools I use are shared freely over at www.creativegoalsetting.com
Marianne – Sharman, teacher, friend, SiStar… almost no words… infinity of Appreciation and thanks for EVERYTHING.
Israe – for ‘passing the torch’ and making profound guest-appearances of Support along the way. Thank you.
Gandalf – for being there at a pivotal moment that changed my life, for the experience and the abundant Gifts that it brought. Thank you.
N&T – for Providing the space, the vehicle, the music, and you.
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